My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
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kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
This made me chuckle.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire