[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
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product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*