We like the way Dwight thinks
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HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
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“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.