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Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.