Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
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“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
socratic questions
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.