My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
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flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.