I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
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Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*