one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
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Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
*orders delivery*
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are