Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
You Might Also Like
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
The USS B port
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
The fall of Netflix
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.