[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
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I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs