*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
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me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Ironic
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?