Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
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me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
The cashier just checked me out.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.