As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
You Might Also Like
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I think something went wrong here?!🤔