Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
You Might Also Like
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know