Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
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Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
In Canada they just call them geese
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
The Compass
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever