Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
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doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.