“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
“We will wed,” I threatened
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus