houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
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It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.