I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
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Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.