“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
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Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.