If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
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Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
is there nothing we can trust anymore
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.