My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
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addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
as is their right
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Same post same
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good