PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
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I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
the saddest jazz hands ever
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Seas the day!!!!
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches