ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
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Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape