Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
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A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN