Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
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Was it something I said?
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes