Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
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“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.