If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
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Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I hate when that happens.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.