That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
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I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill