Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
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Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I needed a laugh this morning.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
no!! no!!!!!!
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?