Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
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A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
fired
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.