I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
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The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]