These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
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Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
who did the taste test?
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight