absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
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*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.