wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
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“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.