I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
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Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad