perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
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Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.