Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
You Might Also Like
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
We all have our pet causes.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever