Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
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ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.