That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
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Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles