People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
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librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore