I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
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My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Seems kinda suspicious
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
New favorite tiktok
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.