My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
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If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
watergate? u mean a dam??
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.