There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
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[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.