Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
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The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.