Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
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Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there鈥檚 actually an extra woman鈥檚 bathroom inside…
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Pretty sure it鈥檚 easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.馃ゴ
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Every damn time
I鈥檒l be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody鈥檚 fault and none of us could have predicted this
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”