Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
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I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.