My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
You Might Also Like
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.