[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
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My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.