wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
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Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
New favorite tiktok
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.